Kids Don't Know Anything About Anything

I was doing a LEGO birthday party one weekend and discovered, once again, that kids don't know anything about anything.

Most of the kids weren't there yet, so I was building with the couple of kids that were already there, including the little jerk turning 7. I'm feeling creative, and the kids are just building boring houses, so I get started on an awesome project:

It's a dinosaur swimming pool, duh.

As you can see, I have thought of all the details. There are large stairs so the dinosaurs can climb up to the diving board, multiple cretaceous plants to make them feel at home and ensure privacy for those late-night skinny dips, and a shallow depth to the pool for all of the dinosaurs' short-legged friends.

So then, the birthday jerk says to me, "What is that?" I answer in my most serious and important-sounding voice, "A dinosaur swimming pool, duh." The kid actually looks at me and says "Dinosaurs are for babies. I don't like dinosaurs. No one likes dinosaurs."

WHAT!? Who does this kid think he is? He then asked all the other kids as they came whether they liked dinosaurs. Each of the kids said that dinosaurs are dumb and for babies. He actually got all the kids to team up on me.

Even though it's relatively obvious, here is a brief list of reasons why I am better than a 7-year-old:

1. 7-year-olds are 7 and I am not.

2. I have a blog.

3. I have a job.

4. I know that picking your nose is gross.

5. My girlfriend doesn't watch Hannah Montana.

6. My parents don't have to drive me to the movies.

7. I am smarter than a 7-year-old.

And, I only need 7 examples to prove that I am better. Or 8, if that one counts.

The Makings of a Good Man

One of my last weeks of LEGO camp this summer I was at a YMCA day camp. This camp was epic in regards to good stories about ridiculous children. Some of you have already heard the tales of Andrew Panda and I-Just-Went-to-the-Bathroom-in-My-Pants-It-Smells-Bad kid. If you have not, I will tell you right now that they are classics. They made my week on the second floor of a wooden shack in 95 degree heat bearable. But those stories are for another time.

Today I would just like to show you something I saw at YMCA camp. I seem to have a knack for finding cool things posted on walls.

One wall of the shack was covered with art projects. In one project, each kid got a piece of construction paper where they made a collage of things they liked. One kid in particular is going to be an especially good boyfriend one day:

Basketball, golf, good food and teeth clean!? What more could a self-respecting girl ask for?

Seriously though, the first time I saw this sign I was like "wow, this little guy is going to be very popular one day with interests like that."

Then I looked again. This time I only saw "Ug want breakfast Hot Pocket." Then I thought to myself, "Standard."

What was that? I didn't hear anything.

Teaching the youth of America important truths

I was teaching an after-school program at this elementary school in Easton in their gym. First of all, Easton is very picturesque and full of wealthy white people. One time I tried to grab lunch before my class and found that there are exactly 0 gas stations and 0 fast food establishments, if that gives you any idea of the kind of community we are talking about here.

Anyway, I'm getting ready for my class, aka putting out LEGOs, when I see that there are a bunch of posters on the wall. They are, of course, about gym-related things like "There's no I in TEAM" and "Winning is trying your hardest." The posters all feature these "diverse" cartoonish children fulfilling the mantra stated above their heads. The more I looked at these lessons in sportsmanship, however, the more disturbed I got.

I have included the most disturbing poster of all here:

I have to start by pointing out how unrealistic and ridiculous this is for multiple reasons.

1. What children play golf? Especially without their parents forcing them to.
2. What black people play golf? (Besides Tiger Woods)
3. What black people play golf with Asian people?
4. Why is the black child wearing a low-cut v-neck shirt when he has no chest hair yet to creepily force the world to stare at with disgust?
5. Who bothers to go golfing but also needs a book of rules with them?
6. What children read sports rules? As far as I remember, we just made up our own. Like, "That's cheating because you stepped first with your left foot instead of your right after you spun three times around the oak tree" (read: that's cheating because I'm losing)
7. Is this a gay golf tournament? Oh, I just realized that they are members of the rainbow connection.

Beyond these pressing questions I have to ask the obvious:

Why is the Asian girl yellow?

All the other children were more realistic colors. For instance, the white children were peachy-beige, not white. Maybe I just missed the memo that Asian people are actually yellow.

All the other children also have rosy cheeks. Asian people don't have cheeks? OR EYEBALLS? This girl is the only kid on any of the posters without whites of her eyes.

So the truths we are teaching our children through these posters include (but are not limited to)

• Everyone has the means and motivation to play golf.
• Black children wish only for chest hair.
• Asian children are zombies.