Strange Happenings

A series of strange happenings...

My blinds grew hair!
I don't really know how this happened.  All I know is that one minute my blinds were bald, and the next they were furry.

I was in an assembly line for a buffet-style lunch and found a sign that said "CAT ME! [smiley dot]."  I wasn't sure who "me" was.  Was I supposed to cat a person?  Was I supposed to cat the food?  And how does one cat?

Paintings came to life!
This is a dog playing cards.  You can see that he also has a beer.  The Gatorade is definitely an inconsistency with the painting, but let's just call this a modern version.

My brother told me that my mom was taking us on narwhal rides in California.  I knew it was a lie.  Then some friends didn't believe that narwhals existed (unicorns of the ocean).  THEN a narwhal was smiling at me from the inside flap of my box of candy cane green tea.  This whole narwhal thing definitely means something.

My food smiled at me!
I know that California is supposed to be sunny and happy or something, but I had no idea that even food smiled!

I saw a man on the subway in NYC hiding something behind his back on the subway.  Terrifying, right?  The plaid shorts tipped me off, so I knew I had to find out what he was hiding.  Then I discovered that it was an apple-shaped device of some sort.  I wish I could tell you what the device did, but I booked it out of that train immediately.



And the scariest happening of all...

...is that people actually want Justin Bieber to sing to them from a toothbrush.  Each plays two songs, and there are two different versions.


To be fair, I considered buying one of these as a gift for my sister.  It is one of my greatest regrets in life that I did not.

A series of very strange things have been happening around me.  I can say with confidence that this all means something, but I am not sure what exactly.  My gut says these are all precursors to the zombie apocalypse, but my heart says it could be robots instead.

The Cat Arteest

I am going to let you in on a little secret. I am about to turn you on to the next big modern artist.

About nine months ago, I began an endeavor into a completely new field: cat artist. My muse is, of course, Tuba. That crazy little baby cat was the perfect model for my new passion for drawing. First of all, if you don't already know, I am generally an awful artist. I barely made it past the whole, "Mom! This potato with sticks for limbs is a picture I drew of you in my first grade class!"

Needless to say, I have finally found my artist calling. I am an awesome cat artist.

Let me first remind you of what Tuba looks like:

Note the crazy eyes and the ears specifically. It is also hard to see from this angle, but Tuba always sits with one front paw facing almost forward and the other turned out.

One day I was staring at the cat, as per usual, when she basically said to me, "Draw me like one of your french girls." And really, who can say no to that? I mean, this cat wasn't even alive when Titanic was released! So I grabbed the nearest pen and a junk mail envelope and set to work. Contrary to what some people may tell you, Tuba was sitting right in front of me, and I was drawing her true to life. Please also remember, this was my very first attempt.

Cat Scratch Fever

As you can see, Tuba was a little portly at the time. But otherwise, it looks exactly like her.

I then moved on to incorporating more colors. But I still hadn't quite perfected Tuba's body.

The Cat Came Back

(I would like to give a shout out to Delaney's, a bar/restaurant with paper table cloths and crayons for all! Much of my best work happened at Delaney's!)

One day, I was inspired to draw Tuba at work. I couldn't even stop myself. It was like the pen was moving itself. Like it knew exactly what to draw and how to draw it. Like the pen had a direct connection to my brain.

She Works Hard for the Money

This is when I really started getting the hang of the fur. I suggest you refer to the photo of Tuba at the beginning of this post. She looks just like this drawing. More than the last time I said it.

Since I had the basic cat form down, I started to get a little more creative.

Channel Z

Yes, this is a photo of Tuba struck by static electricity. I like to think that one day, after my death, they will categorize this drawing as part of my "Mogwai Period." Just in case you have no idea what I am talking about, let's do a side-by-side comparison.

Ah yes, Gizmo and Tuba, two poor souls separated at birth. Or maybe earlier.

Next I went creative AND used color. This is when it starts to get really interesting.

Welcome to the Jungle

(A Delaney's original). A cat in the tall grasses, just like in the wild. At the time, this one was my favorite as well as my art critics' favorite. That is, until I drew the next one.

Come Sail Away

(Yet another work of art created at the local watering hole, Delaney's). And off Tuba goes on the kitty flagship, Miau. For those of you that are not well versed in non-english onomatopoeia, miau is the spanish word for the sound a cat makes, or meow in english.

So now you know. I know how news of the next best thing tends to take off like wildfire. Tell whomever you would like about my artistic prowess. I am perfectly willing to admit that it was not Ryan who started the fire. Oh no -- it was me. I started the fire.

And Then My Apartment Was Conquered By MONDO-KITTY!!!

Of course I microwaved these tasty nachos just for you, Mondo-Kitty...

Name: Mondo-Kitty

Age: 693 (in giant years)

Catchphrase: Me llamo Gato El Grande

Favorite Team: That one NYC team...

Favorite Food: Bluefin Tuna

Greatest Fear: Clifford

Canada is No Longer Safe

Dear those of you who are preparing for the zombie apocalypse:

It is with great fear that I must solemnly inform you that Canada is no longer a safe refuge from the masses of zombies set to take over the US within the next decade. Unfortunately, a new breed of zombie has been discovered that occurs only in frigid temperatures.

As you may know, zombies do not have a regular blood flow and, theoretically, freeze when the air temperature is below 32 degrees F. Although this is only speculation at this point, it continues to be a topic of inquiry and research among America's top scientific minds. This has led the people of North America to believe that Canada may be the safest place to spend the zombie apocalypse despite its inherent uncoolness.

As I mentioned above, a new breed of zombie has been discovered that could make "Plan Canada" even worse than "Plan Run as Fast as You Can." I was able to see these new zombies in person and snapped a quick picture on my phone as I booked it out of there.

That's right, folks. ZOMBIE SNOWMEN!!! These little guys were happy mini snowmen until a second snowfall buried them alive. This traumatic end caused each of their snowman remains to become reanimated, thus: snowman zombies.

I would advise that conversations concerning the zombie apocalypse turn away from "Plan Canada" and turn toward "Plan Portable Hairdryer."

Sincerely,

Me

The Little-Known World of Cloverleaf Corners

There is a world. A special and secret world where animals live in peace and harmony. They form relationships, have babies, plan birthday parties, dress their children in stupid outfits, and create picture-perfect 2.4 child families. That's right folks, animals are becoming more and more like people.

Posable animal figures, that is. I found these little gems on a toy shop shelf in a quaint seaside town. Because my feelings about these "toys" were so strong, I thought I might share my amazement-tinged horror with the world.

Here is what happened: I was on a day trip to this tourist town with some friends. Many of the activities turned out to be somewhat "girly." In order to accommodate the male-folk, we went into a toy store. When I wandered into the first aisle, I was planning on amusing myself by checking out the newest in mind-numbing toys. I only made it a few steps when my eyes forcibly shot from their sockets and I vomited a little in my own mouth.

The Wilder Panda Family, miniature animal family playset:

It turns out these guys are part of a whole line called, "Calico Critters of Cloverleaf Corners," which infers that all these stupidly dressed animal families live in a subdivision or something.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that there were more. Many, many more. Each family has one dad, one mom, and a son and daughter. (Talk about boring, mainstream, heteronormative toys! What about all the kids with two mommies? Or a single dad? That, however, is for another day.)

To be fair, I remember having posable animal figures as a child. Not only was their attire limited to a bowtie or an apron, they only did cool things. They went on adventures, lived in dollhouse mansions and had miniature McDonald's Happy Meal Beanie Babies as their children. They most certainly never, EVER had twin posable hedgehog babies named Hazel and Henry Pickleweed.

Yes, friends. They now make crawling posable animal figures.

But that isn't even the scariest thing of all. I was already so horrified that when I saw these next guys, I almost peed my pants.

COSTUME CRITTERS?!?! Why would animals EVER need to dress up as animals? AND, I can only assume that they are wearing the skins of their former neighbors in Cloverleaf Corners. What kind of example are we setting for American children? From what I can tell, we are saying: It is okay to murder your classmate and wear their skin as a costume to a birthday party. Seriously! Those Costume Critters are children! Posable animal figure children! And they're already murderers.

Secret Bird Meeting

I have a real full-time job now (!) and so I do things like drive to work every day. Now that I am driving all around, I see even more cool things. The main problem is that I am not always able to take a picture in time to capture the coolness that is occurring all around me. In this case, I was just leaving the parking lot at work and was able to stop momentarily to document this momentous event:

SECRET BIRD MEETING!!!!

That's right friends. All of those little black things in the grass and on the sidewalk are birds! There they are, 100 ft from my office, having a snack, shooting the shit and planning their unified worldwide attack on the human race.

I have known about these meetings for a while, but have yet to see them occur. I have seen the birds getting ready for them and I have obviously seen the Alfred Hitchcock movie, but this was a real-life experience!

Don't look at me like that. You know it's true. You've seen it coming all along in the beady eyes of songbirds, the creepy yellow irises of seagulls and the strangely poignant remarks of parrots. But don't worry -- they could never beat us alone. Now, if they formed a coalition with those devious squirrels, that would be another story.

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Yesterday at breakfast, I ate two fortune cookies along with some dried fruit. It has been brought to my attention by my coworkers that eating fortune cookies is ridiculous anytime, let alone eating them for breakfast. One person even said she would be happy to feed me a folded manila folder since it probably tastes the same.

Beyond that, I had a very strange experience. Unfortunately, I do not have pictures of my fortunes, so you will just have to believe me. I am at work right now*, looking directly at them, so I'm a pretty trustworthy source.

*disclaimer: Yes, I am at work, but our email system is down. That basically means I have nothing to do. Stop judging me!

Anyway, I have these two fortunes.

The first one says: Do you see difficulty behind every opportunity, or opportunity behind every difficulty?

Standard. Not really a fortune but standard.

The second one, on the other hand, says: If your cookie still in one piece, buy lotto.

Yes. It literally says that. Nope, no typos on my end. That's right, they are missing a verb, among other things.

Also, if I am interpreting the meaning of the message correctly, how in the hell would I get the fortune without breaking the cookie? I mean, maybe the chances of not breaking the cookie and still getting the fortune are also 1 in 1 million bajillion, which is why you may as well try out the lotto.

Also again, it is not very specific. Telling me to "buy lotto" is not helpful. If I could win the lotto because of this fortune, I need to know how. Which game should I play? If it's a scratch off, do I choose the one in the middle or the one on the right? If it involves choosing numbers, what numbers should I choose? Am I supposed to use the ones on the back of the fortune? (If YOU want to try it, go for 4, 54, 39, 52, 51, 56).

Most importantly, if I use those numbers, will I find myself on a Pacific island populated by sketchy characters ranging from polar bears to smoke monsters to Evangeline Lily after a dramatic plane crash?

In the end, it probably doesn't matter. I didn't even read the fortune until after I'd eaten half of the cookie. Oh the opportunities I miss when I'm hungry...