Boyful

Is that like joyful? Or full of boys?

And is that supposed to mean a van full of boys? Even so, is there anyway that this vanity plate does not sound creepy? Did no one tell this person what that sounds like? How this got past the vanity plate censors, I will never know.

I only know that there are censors because my sister's bf has a plate that says: 2GS1C

As in "two girls one cup" (If you don't know what that means, pretend you never heard this.)

It would be creepy except that he wears tshirts with piles of kittens on them and mallard duck sweaters. ...I'm not sure that statement helps with the not-creepy case, but whatever.

Oh the places donuts can lead you

Sometimes when I have a small class and they are busy building, I get to build things. The number one problem I have is that I can never think of anything to build. What started as an idea to build a LEGO donut ended in this:

Really, I tried to make a donut and instead made a tower. Then I decided it had to be part of a castle. If you don't really do LEGOs, you won't be impressed with the feat of building a round tower. Aka, if you're cool, you understand how cool I was on Friday.

Also, note the moat. The only thing that could have made this better would be if I had a LEGO shark.

$10 should definitely buy me sound

The gym is inherently evil.

I say this as a frequent gym-goer and membership-payer. I say this as someone who will continue to be both of those things at least until the next time I move. Still, the gym is just evil.

My reasoning may be very different than you are expecting. It's not that I hate exercise or that the gym makes me feel crappy about myself. Actually, every time I leave the gym I feel at least relatively accomplished, which should make it a good experience.

2 main reasons why the gym is evil and is, therefore, not a good experience: the machines and the TVs.

Before I go into those, I should insert a disclaimer. I pay only $10 per month and paid $1 to join. That means that I've spent about $61 so far getting back into shape, sitting in A/C and watching cable, all of which are obviously important and worthy expenditures.

Even so, no matter how little or how much I pay, the gym remains an indoor activity where I spend approximately an hour on my own road to nowhere. I know that the whole "running and going nowhere" and "ellipticals are for weenies" thing is totally overdone, but really. It's true. And I use the elliptical almost every day. (sidenote: I am a weenie)

More importantly, the TV situation was the bane of my existence today. Every once in a while I come across a TV that temporarily isn't working. But today I came into contact with not one, not two, but THREE TVs that were out to ruin my workout. Is it too much to ask to make sure that the channels change? There was no way that I was going to be stuck watching Reba for 3 minutes, let alone 30. (You may say "Hey, don't watch!" But let me tell you how this nightmare ends -- the TV wouldn't turn off! And asking someone to look away from a sitcom is like asking someone in advance not to slow down and look at the terrible accident on their left while their driving on the highway!) And can't the sound just work? What is the point of watching America's Next Top Model on the bike if you can't even hear what Tyra is saying? Well let me tell you...there isn't one!

Point is, I pay good (cough) money to go to the gym and watch TV while I lazily pedal away. And today, that privilege was revoked. And I will never forget that burn.

Teaching the youth of America important truths

I was teaching an after-school program at this elementary school in Easton in their gym. First of all, Easton is very picturesque and full of wealthy white people. One time I tried to grab lunch before my class and found that there are exactly 0 gas stations and 0 fast food establishments, if that gives you any idea of the kind of community we are talking about here.

Anyway, I'm getting ready for my class, aka putting out LEGOs, when I see that there are a bunch of posters on the wall. They are, of course, about gym-related things like "There's no I in TEAM" and "Winning is trying your hardest." The posters all feature these "diverse" cartoonish children fulfilling the mantra stated above their heads. The more I looked at these lessons in sportsmanship, however, the more disturbed I got.

I have included the most disturbing poster of all here:

I have to start by pointing out how unrealistic and ridiculous this is for multiple reasons.

1. What children play golf? Especially without their parents forcing them to.
2. What black people play golf? (Besides Tiger Woods)
3. What black people play golf with Asian people?
4. Why is the black child wearing a low-cut v-neck shirt when he has no chest hair yet to creepily force the world to stare at with disgust?
5. Who bothers to go golfing but also needs a book of rules with them?
6. What children read sports rules? As far as I remember, we just made up our own. Like, "That's cheating because you stepped first with your left foot instead of your right after you spun three times around the oak tree" (read: that's cheating because I'm losing)
7. Is this a gay golf tournament? Oh, I just realized that they are members of the rainbow connection.

Beyond these pressing questions I have to ask the obvious:

Why is the Asian girl yellow?

All the other children were more realistic colors. For instance, the white children were peachy-beige, not white. Maybe I just missed the memo that Asian people are actually yellow.

All the other children also have rosy cheeks. Asian people don't have cheeks? OR EYEBALLS? This girl is the only kid on any of the posters without whites of her eyes.

So the truths we are teaching our children through these posters include (but are not limited to)

• Everyone has the means and motivation to play golf.
• Black children wish only for chest hair.
• Asian children are zombies.

My life with a personal secretary

Something you should know: I am obsessed with my cat, Tuba. I'm not a crazy cat lady--I don't even like cats in general. Tuba is just the coolest cat in all existence.

(I'm so sorry to my other cat-owning friends, but I'm sure you can agree that 1. Tuba is a total cool-pants and 2. You feel similarly about your own cat.)

Anyway, I'm sure that many posts will include or revolve around Tuba, so it seems fitting to begin by telling you about her new job.

Tuba is my new personal secretary!

Pros: quiet, adorable, freakishly devoted

Cons: falls asleep on the job, can't read, chews cords

Pros clearly outweigh the cons. I can tell this is going to be a great working relationship.