Kids Don't Know Anything About Anything

I was doing a LEGO birthday party one weekend and discovered, once again, that kids don't know anything about anything.

Most of the kids weren't there yet, so I was building with the couple of kids that were already there, including the little jerk turning 7. I'm feeling creative, and the kids are just building boring houses, so I get started on an awesome project:

It's a dinosaur swimming pool, duh.

As you can see, I have thought of all the details. There are large stairs so the dinosaurs can climb up to the diving board, multiple cretaceous plants to make them feel at home and ensure privacy for those late-night skinny dips, and a shallow depth to the pool for all of the dinosaurs' short-legged friends.

So then, the birthday jerk says to me, "What is that?" I answer in my most serious and important-sounding voice, "A dinosaur swimming pool, duh." The kid actually looks at me and says "Dinosaurs are for babies. I don't like dinosaurs. No one likes dinosaurs."

WHAT!? Who does this kid think he is? He then asked all the other kids as they came whether they liked dinosaurs. Each of the kids said that dinosaurs are dumb and for babies. He actually got all the kids to team up on me.

Even though it's relatively obvious, here is a brief list of reasons why I am better than a 7-year-old:

1. 7-year-olds are 7 and I am not.

2. I have a blog.

3. I have a job.

4. I know that picking your nose is gross.

5. My girlfriend doesn't watch Hannah Montana.

6. My parents don't have to drive me to the movies.

7. I am smarter than a 7-year-old.

And, I only need 7 examples to prove that I am better. Or 8, if that one counts.

The Makings of a Good Man

One of my last weeks of LEGO camp this summer I was at a YMCA day camp. This camp was epic in regards to good stories about ridiculous children. Some of you have already heard the tales of Andrew Panda and I-Just-Went-to-the-Bathroom-in-My-Pants-It-Smells-Bad kid. If you have not, I will tell you right now that they are classics. They made my week on the second floor of a wooden shack in 95 degree heat bearable. But those stories are for another time.

Today I would just like to show you something I saw at YMCA camp. I seem to have a knack for finding cool things posted on walls.

One wall of the shack was covered with art projects. In one project, each kid got a piece of construction paper where they made a collage of things they liked. One kid in particular is going to be an especially good boyfriend one day:

Basketball, golf, good food and teeth clean!? What more could a self-respecting girl ask for?

Seriously though, the first time I saw this sign I was like "wow, this little guy is going to be very popular one day with interests like that."

Then I looked again. This time I only saw "Ug want breakfast Hot Pocket." Then I thought to myself, "Standard."

What was that? I didn't hear anything.

The Gathering of the Vibes

A couple of weekends ago my not for profit org worked a huge music festival that took over our park and closed down our program for 5 days. We were waterfront security, seeing as we are a waterfront organization, and we basically sat under a tent with binoculars and watched for people boating, swimming or walking ashore into the festival illegally. As you might imagine, one of our other primary objectives as waterfront security was to prevent drunk and high people from drowning.

The Vibes festival is supposed to be a new version of Woodstock in honor of Jerry Garcia's death a few years back (aka it is a bunch of young people trying out the whole free-love thing and burnt out older people). It's the most hippie-tastic and ridiculous thing I have ever seen. In order to help you fully understand the experience, I have included a few pictures below.

I saw many strange and nonsensical chalkings about. This one was my favorite because there's not even a purpose.

This one is so you can see one of the most common sights at the festival: the hula hoop dancer. Now, don't be confused and think this is your run-of-the-mill hula hooping that any of us did as children. Oh no. These are HUGE hula hoops with fabric wrapped around them into patterns. And most of these people have no shoes and are extremely dirty because it is Sunday at this point, and they have been here since Wednesday without showering.

Anyway, they dance to the rhythm of the music while hula hooping. They stick their arms out, they move the hoop up and down, they do silly things with their legs. Whatever. Point is, they are dancing with the hoop and, apparently, having a spiritual experience. I was told that I they like when you watch them because it means that you are connecting on a deep level and meeting them in their spiritual hula hooping dancing experience.

Hula Hooping may be spiritual for you, Dexter the chicken who says moomoo, but for me, I can't stop staring at you because you keep hooping for hours! And because you are very dirty.

Boyful

Is that like joyful? Or full of boys?

And is that supposed to mean a van full of boys? Even so, is there anyway that this vanity plate does not sound creepy? Did no one tell this person what that sounds like? How this got past the vanity plate censors, I will never know.

I only know that there are censors because my sister's bf has a plate that says: 2GS1C

As in "two girls one cup" (If you don't know what that means, pretend you never heard this.)

It would be creepy except that he wears tshirts with piles of kittens on them and mallard duck sweaters. ...I'm not sure that statement helps with the not-creepy case, but whatever.

Oh the places donuts can lead you

Sometimes when I have a small class and they are busy building, I get to build things. The number one problem I have is that I can never think of anything to build. What started as an idea to build a LEGO donut ended in this:

Really, I tried to make a donut and instead made a tower. Then I decided it had to be part of a castle. If you don't really do LEGOs, you won't be impressed with the feat of building a round tower. Aka, if you're cool, you understand how cool I was on Friday.

Also, note the moat. The only thing that could have made this better would be if I had a LEGO shark.

$10 should definitely buy me sound

The gym is inherently evil.

I say this as a frequent gym-goer and membership-payer. I say this as someone who will continue to be both of those things at least until the next time I move. Still, the gym is just evil.

My reasoning may be very different than you are expecting. It's not that I hate exercise or that the gym makes me feel crappy about myself. Actually, every time I leave the gym I feel at least relatively accomplished, which should make it a good experience.

2 main reasons why the gym is evil and is, therefore, not a good experience: the machines and the TVs.

Before I go into those, I should insert a disclaimer. I pay only $10 per month and paid $1 to join. That means that I've spent about $61 so far getting back into shape, sitting in A/C and watching cable, all of which are obviously important and worthy expenditures.

Even so, no matter how little or how much I pay, the gym remains an indoor activity where I spend approximately an hour on my own road to nowhere. I know that the whole "running and going nowhere" and "ellipticals are for weenies" thing is totally overdone, but really. It's true. And I use the elliptical almost every day. (sidenote: I am a weenie)

More importantly, the TV situation was the bane of my existence today. Every once in a while I come across a TV that temporarily isn't working. But today I came into contact with not one, not two, but THREE TVs that were out to ruin my workout. Is it too much to ask to make sure that the channels change? There was no way that I was going to be stuck watching Reba for 3 minutes, let alone 30. (You may say "Hey, don't watch!" But let me tell you how this nightmare ends -- the TV wouldn't turn off! And asking someone to look away from a sitcom is like asking someone in advance not to slow down and look at the terrible accident on their left while their driving on the highway!) And can't the sound just work? What is the point of watching America's Next Top Model on the bike if you can't even hear what Tyra is saying? Well let me tell you...there isn't one!

Point is, I pay good (cough) money to go to the gym and watch TV while I lazily pedal away. And today, that privilege was revoked. And I will never forget that burn.

Teaching the youth of America important truths

I was teaching an after-school program at this elementary school in Easton in their gym. First of all, Easton is very picturesque and full of wealthy white people. One time I tried to grab lunch before my class and found that there are exactly 0 gas stations and 0 fast food establishments, if that gives you any idea of the kind of community we are talking about here.

Anyway, I'm getting ready for my class, aka putting out LEGOs, when I see that there are a bunch of posters on the wall. They are, of course, about gym-related things like "There's no I in TEAM" and "Winning is trying your hardest." The posters all feature these "diverse" cartoonish children fulfilling the mantra stated above their heads. The more I looked at these lessons in sportsmanship, however, the more disturbed I got.

I have included the most disturbing poster of all here:

I have to start by pointing out how unrealistic and ridiculous this is for multiple reasons.

1. What children play golf? Especially without their parents forcing them to.
2. What black people play golf? (Besides Tiger Woods)
3. What black people play golf with Asian people?
4. Why is the black child wearing a low-cut v-neck shirt when he has no chest hair yet to creepily force the world to stare at with disgust?
5. Who bothers to go golfing but also needs a book of rules with them?
6. What children read sports rules? As far as I remember, we just made up our own. Like, "That's cheating because you stepped first with your left foot instead of your right after you spun three times around the oak tree" (read: that's cheating because I'm losing)
7. Is this a gay golf tournament? Oh, I just realized that they are members of the rainbow connection.

Beyond these pressing questions I have to ask the obvious:

Why is the Asian girl yellow?

All the other children were more realistic colors. For instance, the white children were peachy-beige, not white. Maybe I just missed the memo that Asian people are actually yellow.

All the other children also have rosy cheeks. Asian people don't have cheeks? OR EYEBALLS? This girl is the only kid on any of the posters without whites of her eyes.

So the truths we are teaching our children through these posters include (but are not limited to)

• Everyone has the means and motivation to play golf.
• Black children wish only for chest hair.
• Asian children are zombies.